Relationship 101

They are all around me. Disintegrating friendships. I spent the day with my kindergarten son on a field trip. I was so at ease in their innocent world. Giggles, wonder, and naive interrogation filled the day. The biggest concern of their day..the dipping sauce they would choose for their chicken nuggets. Little Red Riding Hood at an historic theater then a tour of a chocolate factory were the focus of the day but not the highlight of mine. I observed their interactions, jealous of the simplicity of their relations. The random chatter was reciprocated and received without judgment. I didn't really understand my fascination..until I came home and my friend Trina called.
Trina is a close friend of mine outside of my coffee girls. We disagree on many political issues but share the same morals, Type A personalities, and our God. In some ways we are so alike it's creepy. We have the same disagreements with out husbands, same passions for protective parenting and soft hearts that not everyone sees because of our strong personalities. We share many mutual friends in our small community. There have been some serious issues with Trina's family and another friends' family because they have children of the same age. Trina has kept many of the issues to herself, knowing they would not be received well by our friends. But today something happened that had Trina concerned for our friends, Matthew and Kathy's oldest son. Safety concerns that could have easily led to devastating, physical harm or fatality.
Matthew immediately denied that his son could ever have been involved in such foolishness(Seriously? He's a fourteen year old boy..hello!). Matthew verbally attacked and belittled Trina leaving her in a defeated pile. Matthew is the only person I have ever met that truly believes he is NEVER wrong. Yes, there is arrogance in many of us when we are passionate about an issue but most people at some point when alone with their thoughts will consider the view of others. Not Matthew. He will talk louder and with more conviction than the strongest of souls and competes in every aspect of life. He sounds very intimidating, which he is, but when you witness it, it is evidently childish.
I talked to Trina for almost an hour trying to encourage her that she did what she did out of pure, loving concern and shouldn't second guess herself.
I found myself so frustrated by the way that adults communicate with each other. Through different stages of my life I have had a few strong friendships, some lasting, some that crashed and burned.
So, why? Breakdowns or adherence to some very simple principles required for a friendship worth fitting in to my life.

• Kindness is essential
• Character and Integrity a must
• Honesty, crucial
• Forgiveness, necessary.

Some may wonder why not respect? Well, if we are focused on being kind to one another, respect happens on its own. Veronica pointed out to me, if you practice kindness even when it's tough, it will become second nature, genuine. If a friend has strong character and integrity, they are worthy of my trust and I don't have to fear gossip when we disagree. Honesty is the one that is the hardest, even for me. Not in the obvious ways, I want the real stuff. Not only in tongue, but the words your afraid to say. I don't want my feelings being protected if there is something in my life that needs rebuking. I may hurt, but again if you exhibit admirable character and integrity, I can respect your opinion. Forgive me. All the time. Accept me for the flawed being that I am and love me anyway.

Childishness has it's place, I visited it twice today. Once, where it belongs and once where it doesn't. I'm wanting the relationships but there has to be new playground rules.

Why Women Can't Be Friends

Women Can't be friends because:

• They all gossip
• They compete with and compare each other's appearance
• They are emotional and petty
• They are all jealous of each other
• They hold grudges (unlike guys who can throw a punch and shake hands 5 minutes later)

That's about it, isn't it? All the reasons people will give you, male or female, why women never have sustainable friendships? Be honest, you've heard 'em and maybe even have a few more you would add to that ugly list. Garbage. Complete garbage.

Though the list is ugly, there may be some truth to each of the points. I'll use myself as an example. I gossip. As a woman I am more susceptible to gossip and, more than sometimes, I participate. When I see my fellow mom making a decision I would not choose, I pass judgement, spill it to my friends...I gossip. I am a master deceiver. I try to wrap it in a pretty package such as conflict evasion and the prettiest of all-concern. I can't begin to count the number of times I've began a conversation with a friend in the words "I don't want to talk bad about her, but..." There it is, flawed point #1, proved.

I look at every one of my friends and admire their beauty. Their well styled hair, expert-like make-up applications and their slim figures entice me. I want to be like them. I secretly resent them. When we have "girl's night" I dress to appear as desirable as they are. Flawed point #2, proved.

I am an emotional being. I take criticism personally. I allow some of the most mundane details to annoy me, I'm petty. To sum it up, I'm self righteous and unforgiving. Doesn't seem like such a small thing when I call it what it actually is. I am unable to take criticism constructively because I fail to see that I could possibly be doing something wrong. When someone else points out a fault of another, I am quick to agree and complain. Not so quick to forgive and overlook. Point #3, proven.

I have a dear friend, Camille. She has been dealt some lucky hands in her life. Financial security, a pretty face and dynamic personality to match, just to name a few. Not to mention she completely embraces her God-given gift of also being a sexual being...not just a mom but a sexy, desired wife. She is genuinely the most giving person, aside from Christ, I have ever known. (And she doesn't even have a personal relationship with Christ). She and her husband are very close to Mitch and me. We are silly together, we share great conversation and many memories to come, I love them. I found myself recently asking Mitch if he was attracted to her. Imagine the most horrified, deer-in-the-headlights expression one could make and multiply it by 100....that was Mitch's reaction. Poor guy. These qualities that I admire and desire in her were coupled with jealousy. Jealousy that resulted in doubting that my husband could ever still perceive me as "a catch" after witnessing such an exemplary specimen as Camille. Jealousy that I tried to deny, couldn't deal with and turned into vain imaginations. Point #4, proven.

Point #5......my most fatal flaw. I am a strong-minded girl. However, I am always willing to give a new acquaintance the benefit of a clean slate. Until!..they muddy it, clean it off, muddy it again, spit on it then proceed to break the slate. Then I am done with them. Years can pass and the mention of their name will still stir fire inside of me. I feel all the hurt, the pain and brokenness relived. Then you can add a few more years onto that grudge. I have allowed myself to buy in to the old "People never really change, you just didn't know them to begin with" notion...Proven

So, I've proven it right? Women can't be friends and I am the prime example. Wrong. Though there may be a hint of truth to all of my bulleted points, I completely disagree. I have never had a friend in which at least one of these struggles hasn't arose but you know what? I have still loved them. There are some who say "sometimes love just isn't enough". Sometimes I think that too. But when it comes to my friendships I want to CHOOSE to love. You annoy me, I love you. You disagree with me, I love you. You confide in another friend, I love you. I can't look at you, I love you. __________________, I love you. Add anything to the blank you want but if this were the pattern we chose to follow in our friendships how can love not be enough?

I fully intend to ask God one day why relationships had to be so hard for women. Was it the lack of esteem building by our parents? Our ability to not call sin, sin? Do we continue to manipulate and be deceived, like Eve? WHAT IS IT?!!!

I love diversity and healthy debate. This is what our coffee group has brought into my life. Have these ugly thoughts entered into this fully female mind? You betcha! Monica is gentle and sweet. Veronica is a wise survivor and comedian. Susan is structure and guardian of innocence. Abigail is consistent parenting and quality time. How did these women ever become my friends? Remember, I'm the bitchy one! At first glance you may see more difference than likeness but I am learning so much from them. I have changed things in my life because of them. I have stepped up where I have been lacking because of them. I feel accepted because of them.

I truly feel this is a God ordained friendship. Do I notice idiosyncrasies? Of course I do. That is exactly what Satan wants me to see. The last thing he wants is a group of sin-forgiven friends furthering the cause of Christ. But I will fight him for it because I don't fight alone. I will guard it. Our perfect Friend is teaching me to cherish it.

Honey, I Warned You This Post Would Come!

Marriage is work. That may seem like a common sense statement but its true. Even in stable marriages, it’s not always easy to love your spouse. I am so frustrated with Mitch lately; I can’t find those kind words to spill onto him. When we discuss the kids, my frustrations, politics, family priorities, personal goals, I feel like I’m an alien to my husband. Mitch is a good man. He’s affectionate (ugh!), he provides, he’s thoughtful, funny and a very involved daddy.
Among all these amazing qualities, one might ask themselves what I have to complain about. Well lately, evidently, a lot. Tonight for example, he had plans to take Trevor and Nolan to their first Cub Scout meeting. When I spoke to him while he was working, I reminded him of the meeting and he began whining about not being able to go to the gym. True, we have been trying to be disciplined in our recent exercise endeavor. However, I understand that when you have a family, time does not allow for a six-day-a-week gym ritual. His one simple complaint was enough to send me into my sarcastic guilt-laden attack “Oh I’m sooo sorry that your boys have been looking so forward to something that is going to interfere with your desire to work out…you are gone from this house more than any of us and when it’s not all about you, you whine like a child..You are so selfish!” Nice, huh?
In recent months I have just felt like we live in the world of “Mitch” and the rest of us are just planets that must revolve around him because we’re predestinated to do so. Without choice, or right to question, we revolve. We have a busy life. Work, school, church, extra-curricular activities……all while trying to always create and maintain “home as a haven” approaches to our family life. Though recently, I feel like I’m alone in that expedition. Mitch makes the choice to add his “fun and recreation” appointments the immediate days following a stretch of increased busyness. You know what I mean! Monday through Friday are filled with work, school, practices, and school concerts. But then, you look at your calendar and see a Saturday. That coveted, sweet surprise of a day without plans.
I recently gushed about such a Saturday, only to have Mitch respond “Well, I was going to go__________.” Fill in the blank. It happens enough around here that to fill it in with just one instance would not add the emphasis I’m going for. Why are we supposed to understand that a man needs that time of release? Like we, women don’t? I love girl time and I have been enjoying more of it in the past year than I ever have in the twelve we’ve been married. But! There is part of me that has been making an almost unconscious point to add more of said girl time, out of spite. In a childish “I’ll show him” way, I’m using my rare breaks as revenge. Honestly, I love my time with friends to just unwind, vent, and laugh but I’ve notice this piece of me, as I pencil it onto my calendar , that thinks to myself “Let’s see how he likes it!”. I’m horrible, I know.
I know I’m not alone in this though and that infuriates me even more. We were away with other families this weekend to an indoor water park. It was so nice to just enjoy my family. No need to discipline or argue about how it should be done. Between dunking and being over taken by waves, I was just sitting and enjoying my friend Kathy. Hearing her express similar feelings about her husband made me feel so normal, not evil. Which is all wrong!!? Being mean to my husband shouldn’t make me feel normal, it should sadden me, make me desire for something better…but for right now normal will have to do. I can’t seem to find pity for him as he shields himself from my spewing anger. That “choosing to love him and be different thing” isn’t working so well today.

Caution: This Post is Unedited, Straight off the Cuff

Honey, I'm sorry. This blog will inevitably contain posts that may not portray you for the wonderful man that you are....so this is for you.
Men are infuriating, insensitive, unable to think like women and enjoy a simplicity that my brain cannot fathom. However, they are our rocks, our providers, our encouragers, our biggest fans, lovers, confidants and best friends.
In the time of my life when I am most frustrated with my partner, I have been bombarded with scary realities of other wives within my realm who are not graced with the leisure of forever criticizing their husbands.
I have seen a young family lose a father/husband. I have seen a friend lose the natural process of conceiving a child while her husband suffers the recovering effects of Leukemia. I have seen a 30 year marriage blown apart by an emotional affair, leaving devastation to a lonely wife. I've seen enough. Then today, a fellow coffee cohort relayed some potentially scary news about her hubby.
Lives and marriages are being tried, turned inside out and completely rearranged all around me and I refuse to sit back and continue to be un-thankful for the man that I have....
The man who loves me even though I'm irrational. The man who wants me even though I'm overweight. The man who works twelve hour days so that I can nurture and be available for our three boys. The man I criticize, yet finds an abundance of mercy to dispense to me. I love my husband.
To be honest, I've been a down right bitch...contentious, unreasonable and ungrateful. In the midst of our own petty discord, I CHOOSE to love and obey my God. I CHOOSE to love and reverence my husband. I CHOOSE to rearrange my thoughts as a response to all the rearranging I've witnessed. I CHOOSE to change rather than try to change him.

A Little Boy Sang

We have been under a foot-deep blanket of snow for almost two weeks now. My patience and creative parenting skills are weakening with each additional snow day but I decided to focus on something positive rather than my ever-extending list of snow covered woes.


A dreamer, a grouch much like his mother
A voice, a talent unlike any other.
Unique to him, gifts given by God
But a solo? Really? This seemed odd.
He stood by the keys, in a room full of friend
Encouraged by his teacher to see it to the end
His voice sang out and amazement struck all
From his head to his cheeks the color of red falls.
A secret audition unknown to me
But the pride of his teacher let the news be free.
His God is smiling and I'm sure the bells rang
All because a little boy sang.

My son Trevor is like me in so many ways. He fears failure, heights and rejection. He's fun-loving, yet guards himself from others.
When I recieved the message from his music teacher that he had done an "amazing" solo audition for the upcoming spring concert, I was completely caught off guard. Not that he could sing, I knew that. I hear him singing in his room but I've stopped telling him how naturally inclined he is because he becomes embarassed and the music dies. However, after some thought I wasn't so surprised he hadn't told me about the big audition. I am practically frozen by the fear of failure. If I have a fantastic idea or a big dream, I keep it tucked closely inside until success is likely or guaranteed. Why I don't want those who love me there during the adventure, I'm not sure. I do know for sure that I don't want my son to mimic this fear. He is so open about his feelings, asking questions about the hard stuff but he hides his attempts from me...I want to be there for it all. The high prides, the fallen tears.
I spilled over him for his bravery, explaining I wish for a little bit of that as an adult. He took a step. A big one. He made others smile...I'd say that's success.

Ohh, A Juicy Secret

Ellen writing.
When my husband was in high school he had a less than respectable girlfriend. She has inserted herself into our marriage from time to time over the past 11 years...without provocation. I've always actually sympathized with her. It is not in my nature to be jealous when it comes to my relationship with my husband. She is unable to even stir that emotion due to her level of ridiculousness. Melissa(the ex)exhibits genuine mental illness tendencies.

Mitch and Melissa dated for a considerable amount of time. At the age of sixteen, Melissa was with child. This is not an issue of denial, paternity was legitimately questioned. During the pregnancy, the relationship ended but not Mitch's commitment to care for this baby boy if it were determined he was indeed the father. Sadly, the child suffered from SIDS(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), the paternity was never determined. Mitch had met baby Marley several times. However, he refused to make an emotional connection to Marley until he was sure this was his son. As I said, it was reasonably doubted. He attended the funeral services and mourned for this child and the possibility of "what if?" This was 19 years ago, before speedy DNA science and gestational paternity testing...no autopsy.

I pitied her. How devastating it must be to lose a child, a pain I can't even fathom. Even when she called my home, asking to speak to Mitch, I was courteous, merciful, even gracious. Maybe because I was thinking "What the...?", or because I knew he'd have no desire to talk to her. Regardless, I never felt threatened.

Occasionally, we'd see "Florida Call" on the ID and didn't answer. The possibility that it could be her, angered Mitch. She has contacted members of Mitch's family "innocently" asking about him, referencing "his" child...stirring the pot. Still, I say nothing.

Today on facebook(which is the devil by the way), to my surprise, she appeared as a suggested friend. I had a little laugh. Then like any wife, had to look at her profile...after all she is the ex. She had just posted pictures of a baby girl she bore. I was actually happy for her. Hoping in some way, that this baby would not replace Marley, but allow her to be the mom I assume she was aching to be.

Then I saw her photo caption.

"Mitch-Wish you could have stepped up back then. Then maybe our baby would still be alive...SCUMBAG!"

Enter the Bitch. I sent her the nastiest compilation of words I have ever composed. As I mentioned in my bio, Mitch is a dad to be modeled. He has struggled, more so after the birth of our sons, with the "what ifs". "What if he was mine?..What if we could have gotten results sooner and I had sole custody?" Not knowing has been painful for him.

Among all my ranting and strong advice for her to stop contacting Mitch's family, I still found myself explaining to this pitiful woman, God is Grace. He gives us what we DON'T DESERVE, NOT WHAT WE DO. He doesn't take the lives of our children as punishment for our shortcomings, not even someone like her.

The Mama Bear was exposed tonight. Do not attack her family or her den. Her fury will be unleashed. She is not as graceful as her God.

Monica...as in coffee cohort, not Clinton Intern(She's blushing at the title of this post)

I am a 36-year-old wife & mom. I recently celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with my best friend, Jack. We are blessed with two, very different, but equally amazing children. Bobby is almost 10 years old & is in the 4th grade. He is very bright, very sweet, and extremely tenderhearted. His love for people and his desire to do what is right is far greater than his years. Sabrina is seven years old, is in the 2nd grade, much to her disliking, is the smallest girl in her grade. Her bright, outgoing, spunky personality far outshines her height. Jack, Bobby and Sabrina are the loves of my life.
I was born and raised in a small town not far from our current home. My parents had been high school sweethearts, attended college together, and were married directly after their college graduation. Both were teachers. I have one brother who is three years younger than I. My mother became a stay-at-home mom when I was born and returned to teaching after my brother entered school. We did not have a lot of material things, but we were very spoiled in the love department.
As a child, I had no appreciation or understanding of how blessed I was. My parents had a love for one another that I now realize is extremely rare. I thought that my childhood years were mundane, boring, far overprotected. I now see those years as cherished protection, springing from deep love from my parents.
I have always had a soft heart for anyone who is hurting. I have always gone against the grain to cheer for the underdog. This pattern (good or bad) played a big part in my teen years. I was quick to befriend anyone who did not fit in or was needing a friend. I made some wonderful friends and met some of the nicest kids around. However, most of them had homes very different from mine. I quickly became awestruck with everything they knew as normal...all that my parents had strived so greatly to protect me from. But they were my friends and my goal was to please them.
We spent a lot of time lying to our parents, running around town, drinking. At the end of my freshman year, my parents & high school’s choir director informed me that I was joining a youth Christian choir which consisted of Bible studies & traveling around the state for three weeks. I was not pleased. This sounded like three weeks of Sunday school with complete strangers…. A.K.A. Hell. By the third day of said tour, my loved ones’ prayers had been answered. My heart was broke wide open & I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior & True Love. Life would never be the same.
The rest of my high school & college years were different. I knew that I loved God dearly & I loved people dearly. However, that was all I knew. I did my best to please God, but occasionally wandered.
I met Jack when I was a sophomore in high school. We became the best of friends. After years of dating others, God opened my eyes to the treasure that was right in front of me. My best friend was also the love of my life. We were married over Christmas break of my senior year in nursing school. All was wonderful….my “prince had arrived.”
Then reality struck. Marriage was much harder than dating. Our families were quite different from each other, therefore, so were we. I had several years of heartache from difficulty in my marriage, difficulty in my work, painful times with my in-laws. Life was not as easy as I had expected.
Thankfully, God was still at work with us. We changed churches and began to learn what God had to say about marriage & relationships. Jack and I had fresh starts...together, with God. He blessed us with some wonderful people who helped us along the way. While we are still learning how to show love to one another and communicate well, God has brought us so far. He has taught us so much. God has been central in our lives as parents and our marriage. I am so thankful for a patient, forgiving, & loving God!
The next trial arrived, January 2007. My father was diagnosed with leukemia. This was the man who had shown me unconditional love, who was my biggest fan in life and who was my steady rock when the rest of life was falling to pieces. We had one month of precious talks, endless tears, and desperate hopes before he was taken home to heaven. My heart was broken like never before. I will never be the same again. I then had to rely on my Heavenly Father like never before. While my heart still aches for my Dad, my heart is also closer to my “Abba” then ever before.
At this point in my life, I am striving to worship and trust my Lord without doubting, love people without expectation, have an open heart without guarding and enjoy life without concern. My prayer is that my life may be pleasing to my Heavenly Father. I want to allow my life lessons may be used by Him. I will be forever grateful for this group of incredible ladies to share the ups & downs of life with, over a pot (or 2, or 3) of coffee. My name is Monica

A Marriage Ends, Fear Sets In

Imagine something for me. Picture the most stable, loving, communicating couple you know. You know the one. They've been married for a million years and even though you may be in your early(I will not say mid-thirties until I'm 35)thirties, like me, but they are the couple you aspire to be "when I grow up". I'm not talking about the "happy" marriages that mearly camoflauge all the garbage that happens inside the privacy of homes. A real, bonified healthy, honesty-filled, love story between a man and his wife...that's the one! That couple.

Now imagine one day, out of NO WHERE, the female counterpart announces "Darren, wants a divorce." What?!! Did she just say "Divorce?" You may be shocked, as I was. Saddened, like I was. Terrified like I am.

This happened to me....Friday to be exact. This news came by way of a friend who is about twenty years my elder. I have known her for about twelve years. She is a rock, yet never abrasive. She is always on an even keel. She's not the life of the party but she's witty at just the perfect moment. She's mild yet strong.

I see my friend about once a month and every time I love her accounts of her and her husband's latest adventures, talks, sharing of life. They have two grown boys and their empty-nest-dating-cycle had begun. They weren't one of those couples who enthrall themselves with all things children and then realize they have completely lost their bond to each other. This couple was different. They modeled a respectful, courteous, supportive love of each other, a priceless portrait for children. They were the best parents they could possibly be, but were now at a position in their lives where parental advice is solicited, not freely distributed. They were completely comfortable with that status. They were enjoying all the things a couple should when responsibility is lessened.

There's the back story.

I cried as she mourned for her marriage..thought to my self, then said out loud "If you guys don't make it, who does?" Tears streaming simultaneously, she whimpers "I don't know." Enter the fear.

Mitch and I have had a recent rough patch. Nothing damning, just rough. We are being very intentional, things are truly improving. But I wonder, in twenty years will he resent me for things that are happening now? Will I resent him? Could he hate me? Am I being deceived by the belief that a marriage built on the foundation of Christ will stand? If I look out through the wounded heart of my friend the answer could be an unequivocal, yes. That.Is.Scary...Terrifying.

Our Dear Abby

Abigail here. I grew up in a middle class family in the area I still live in today. My family consisted of dad, mom and three girls…and I was in the middle. My dad was a hard worker, very organized and firm…never home, unaffectionate and an alcoholic. Although I loved him and still do, dearly, I feared him and liked when he wasn’t around. My mom on the other hand was compassionate, filled with love, and always there. Her girls were her life and still are.

As a child I was kept busy with chores. Of course, I have fond memories of the fun times but CHORES were of the up most importance. The vacations we took as a family I wish I could write were fun, but let’s just say it was an adventure. The fun I remember at home rarely included my dad. Which I truly wish was different. Much of my youth, I escaped to friends’ houses to avoid all the tension at home.

I have attended church faithfully my entire life. As a child, my family went because my dad didn’t want the call from his parents questioning why we weren’t there. However, God knew I needed that guidance in my life. He gave me a childhood friend whose parents showed me love and what a home that loves Christ looks like. I received Christ and was baptized at the age of 10. I didn’t have my own home to back me up. My mom loved Jesus but she was never strict and with my dad not backing her or vice versa, I wasn’t taught how to LIVE for the Lord I had just received.

I was a cheerleader from Pee-Wee until I graduated High School. I loved it and I enjoyed the freedom I was allowed having with it. Most of my learning experiences of being an adolescent came from watching my older sister. I learned what NOT to do from the consequences she suffered by the harsh punishment from my dad. Therefore, I never partied, nor did I drink or smoke. Also, from seeing how my sister allowed boys to treat her, they weren’t something I was too fond of either. However, at the early age of 15, I met Travis. Little did I know he would become my best friend and love of my life.

My parents’ marriage had been rocky for pretty much most of it, but I was blind to see it, until the age of 16 when my mom finally decided she was done, done with the drinking and mental and physical abuse….oh did I mention, she told me she left because I said to her “mom, why are you still with dad, since he treats you so badly?”…yea, the pressure! Anyway, it was long over due, so the summer before my senior year of High School was spent having my life flipped upside down. The only thing that stayed the same was Travis. He stood by me and helped me get through the very ugly divorce.

As a senior in high school, Travis asked me to marry him…and not because I was pregnant, because we were in LOVE. Travis and I decided that we were going to wait to have sex until we got married….I wish I could write that we stuck with the plan, but we didn’t. We did, however, get married the year after High School. I was still in college and working. That first year of marriage was SO hard. I kept wondering, who is this guy? Do I even love him? If his mom could have just let go of her control, things wouldn’t have been so bad. Eventually she did!

After graduating from college and working full time, it is now three years into our marriage. Our 1st daughter was born Rachel….a few years later, and another daughter is born, Macy. It doesn’t stop there. Another two years, you guessed it, another daughter, Raelin. Here is when I have to add in my miscarriage. My heart was broken. God is the healer and I trusted him. I did recover physically, not quite mentally yet, but oops, pregnant again and along came our 4th and final daughter Jane. I will repeat it for you, four girls.

During my first pregnancy for Rachel, I realized how important it was to me to raise my children for God. Not just to attend church, but I wanted them to LIVE for HIM. Travis, on the other hand, didn’t attend church as a child and only started going with me as a teen. This thought of mine was crazy to him. Yet he still went with me most of the time, just to please me. Travis’s sister attended the same church as I did…the one I grew up in. After some major family issues on my husband’s side, Travis and I decided we need to leave this church and find our own. I felt like I was going through my parents’ divorce all over, yet with the church family I loved and grew up in. Only to realize months later, God’s plan was bigger than my sorrow. Not only did he bless me with a wonderful new church family, Travis came to know Christ on his own and was baptized into the family of believers when I was pregnant with Raelin. Pure joy!

I am madly in love with Travis, and God has only blessed our marriage. Travis and I physically and successfully built our own home which we are now raising our four daughters in. Which by the way are 10, 7, 5, and 3 years old. I can say our house is filled with drama, tears, heartache and chatter from top to bottom…but is also filled with love, friendship, laughter, and fun times.

I am a stay at home mom who loves her job. I like a clean house but have to fight for it. I like to be in control but life won’t let you tame it. I am serious but love laughter. I am a 32-year-old wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and child of God. I am blessed with GRACE. I am Abigail.

Heeeeeeeere's Veronica!

I am Veronica…39. I am married to my husband Luke and have two boys Garrett 9 and Gage 3. This is my second marriage. My life experiences over flow in ways that have been painful and life changing teaching me a deep compassion for others who grow up with less.. Not money but, less love.. less examples... Life is hard enough and even more so when you are unsure how to love yourself, let alone God. Parents are staples to a family... holding it together…with love and support … my staples did not hold up… they let go. My father let go to alcohol and my mother to the LAW of the bible that had no grace, teachings of a church that did not serve her well. They had nine children and I am the baby.

I call myself a foster-wife. A foster wife because I come from an alcoholic father, a mother who could not offer consistent love and support and an abusive marriage of 12 years and a small child – and now divorced. What a package! There are a lot of us out there, hoping for a chance to have a good second chance ..A good husband… someone to show us what a good life looks likes and feels like. We have little to offer at first and need a lot. We do not trust easily. We are sometimes very angry and very confused!!!!

I still question why he would want to bring me into his life, and I am sure he has too, on our worst days. I am forever grateful he did. My life has changed, my surroundings are secure… I am safe and loved… He has encouraged me and forgiven me over and over and over - and with his help my life is better than it has ever been. I am finally safe emotionally but I am still learning to love myself and with each passing day a small piece of me is repaired. I now have a wonderful group of friends and have been able to finally love God and feel his love in return. I still have a lot of work ahead.

It’s hard to turn away from how we were raised…some of us need too.. It’s like swimming against currents, you get tired and it’s painful. I still desire my mother’s approval - I love and I miss her terribly. My father has passed away and my mother is living but unable to have a relationship with me. She struggles to maintain relationships with all of the children.

I hope swimming against the current pays off for my children. Little do they know my arms are soon very tired. This is hard for me. I would love to go back and do what is comfortable; please my mother or maybe drink but I will never, for I know the pain it has caused me. I am not a perfect parent by any means but I love my children and I love the Lord. I am doing my best to love them through life’s up and downs, understand them before judging and always let them know I am not perfect and apologize for my shortcomings.

Meet my Friend Susan

My name is Susan. I was raised in a small town where religion played a big role in most everyone’s lives. I was raised in a Christian home, or for the most part that is what I believed. Sadly now, when I reflect, I can see it as being lukewarm Christianity.

I am the oldest of three children and the only girl. I loved my two younger brothers very much but always felt like an outsider. I longed for a sister to talk to and do things with. Someone I could confide in. I was raised in a strict home, yet now can see that my parents were not as "mean" as I thought them to be. Actually, I look back and see that I am thankful for that upbringing. I have great memories of vacations, short spontaneous trips here and there. Sadly, I have no memories of just good ole’ family bonding. No memory of mother/daughter times like shopping together, baking together, walks, talks, etc.

It seemed like my parents were always too busy. My parents both worked very hard and always provided well for our family. I wish they had been around more often than they were. I never really had a close relationship with my parents (especially my mom). I felt I was the problem when my parents were to get into an argument. My mom got pregnant with me when she was 16 and delivered me at 17. I tended to feel that I was a mistake. If not for me, they would never have felt pressure to marry. Therefore, would not fight over things and would be much happier. Of course, today, I know better and my parents will be celebrating 38 years of marriage later this year.

Because I was not close to my parents, I learned everything about what a young girl experiences through adolescence from friends or their parents. I attended school and had many close friends. I was what you would refer to as a social butterfly. In High School I received average grades, was involved in school clubs and also in the marching band flag corp-all while working an after school job at least 3-4 days a week. For the most part, I was a good child until I reached High School and decided to spread my wings. I was never given "the talk." But, was always told, "No sex, no drugs, no alcohol and wear your seat belt”, as I was walked out the door. I started hanging out with the wilder crowd, turning to drinking and partying. I never experimented with drugs or anything like that, just drank. I did try to smoke once, turned green and vomited and never tried that again. I dated off and on through High School but never really had any serious relationships. Unfortunately at the age of 16, I lost my virginity to someone that I thought I loved and who I thought loved me. I truly regret that I didn’t save what is supposed to be the most special time in a girl’s life for my husband.

Thankfully, during the beginning of my junior year I met Kevin while camping with my parents. Ever hear of "Love at First Site?" I had heard of it but never believed that it could truly exist. I found out I was wrong. Kevin was unlike other guys I dated. Kevin was a gentleman. He was respectful. Kevin genuinely cared about ME; he was not after that "one thing" that most other guys were interested in. Kevin and I were now dating exclusively. I started to attend Church with him and his family. I found new friends who were a better influence on me. Kevin and I dated through the rest of our High School days and after we graduated, we decided to attend the same college.

We were both working full time and going to school full time. We lived for the weekends when we could spend some quality time together. We both graduated from college with associate degrees. We had been dating for five years (which to me, seemed like eons!!!) before Kevin popped the big question. He proposed as we took a sunset walk along the beach during a vacation with my family. Of course I said yes! Kevin and I were married a year later. We both worked full time jobs, bought a home and settled into Small Town USA, where we still reside.

Two years into our marriage, Kevin and I decided that we wanted to start a family. Sadly, things did not go as we had planned and we were unable to conceive. So, a long story short, we found out that I had endometriosis, which caused the problems with infertility. In March of 1999 I had surgery...............low and behold, two weeks later I was pregnant! We were so excited! More so, when we found out that we were expecting TWINS!!!!!

Despite a very scary, high-risk, total bed rest pregnancy, our beautiful daughter and precious son were born nine months later. Lauren weighed in at 6lbs 2 oz. and Landon at 5lbs 2 oz. Being a mother of twins was very stressful, time consuming and tiring. (Actually, it still is!) Kevin’s job was taking him out of town for about 75% of the year. With the help of God, family members and so many friends, we made it through.

After the twins were born, Kevin and I decided that I would be a stay-at-home mom which was definitely a huge adjustment for us. I was earning almost as much as Kevin in income! We may have lived pay-check-to-pay-check but we were happy.

Kevin and I always knew that we wanted more children and four years later decided to try again. We were able to conceive right away but, unfortunately, two months into my pregnancy I suffered a miscarriage. I was totally devastated. Again, with the help of God, family and friends I was able to move past that loss. We decided to try again five months later. Again, Kevin and I were able to conceive right away. Five years, two months after our twins were born, we had a bouncing baby girl, Lily, who weighed in at a whopping 8lbs 6oz.

So, almost five years later (after Lily) I am still a stay-at-home mom and loving it! Kevin still travels quite often with his job and at times I feel like a single mom. I deal as well as I can. I have been truly blessed in SO MANY WAYS! I love my God and am so glad that I have His Grace to carry me through life.

I LOVE MY COFFEE CLUB GIRLS and I look forward to getting together with them, where we can talk, laugh, cry, gripe, eat and of course drink coffee!

I am Ellen

I am Ellen. I was born and raised in the same small town in which I now reside. My childhood was stereotypical, middle class American family from the outside looking in: Mom, Dad, Brother and a Sister, besides me. I have great memories of family vacations, well-cooked meals, material needs exceeded. I wasn't spoiled but I never wanted.

As a kid, I was naturally inclined in the arts: drawing, dancing, design. I was a pleaser. Everything I ever did, in retrospect, I did out of fear(of my dad's psychotic scream, not physical harm)or expectation. Instead of being nurtured in my natural inclinations, I headed in directions my parents steered.

My mom dragged us to church every Sunday, alone. Just her, with 3 kids in tow. Which I'm sure laid a foundation, but was never mirrored at home. Communication was not a priority. The changes that a young girl experiences throughout adolescence and into puberty, I learned in school.

I entered my Freshman year of high school as a queen bee. However, I was a nice bee....then I met a boy. A Senior. Long story short- manipulated my parents into allowing me to date, lost my virginity at 15 and had never had an educated conversation about sex in my whole life. Centered my world around said relationship, lost friends, became the target of hurtful gossip and was unable to share this struggle with my parents.

At home, I maintained my "clean" cheerleader, pageant winning appearance. Internally, hardening my perspectives and putting up guards. Skip a couple years, enter good-looking, popular boy. He "loved" me. Had my second sexual encounter and again completely revolved around the axis who was this boy. Dated this parent pleasing boy for a total of 3 years. Midway through, my parents discovered we were sexually active and ended the relationship. Again, I was able to manipulate and convince them to allow the relationship to continue. Did I mention my mom was expecting her 1st child as a junior in high school? One would think that might prepare her for a situation such as this. Geesh.

Moving on. Graduated, moved to the city for schooling, dumped the boy, met a new boy-a complete loser... that I adored. Met one of my best friends ever. Partied dangerously.....finished school and came back....here. Sexual promiscuity, more partying and working... in that order then repeat.....over and over. Lots of hurt and disappointment.

At this point I'm 22 years old. I meet a Soldier, home on leave, who shared my lifestyle. Yummy! But surprise! He's a gentlemen. He returned to his base and we wrote and talked on the phone everyday. Then, I went to visit him. He took me to the only five star restaurant I’ve ever been to -in the mountains of Colorado no less, in his dress uniform and a limo. He asked me to marry him and I said YES!! And that is the skinny of how I met, fell in love with and married my husband, Mitch.

After a year of marriage our planned pregnancy occurred..Trevor. Never pictured myself having a boy, but here he was and he was perfect. During my pregnancy, I had an overwhelming desire to do things differently and raise him in church, knowing God. In reality, it was a desire God gave me so that I could find Him. This was the beginning of the most important relationship I've ever known, with a Perfect Father. 21 months later, Nolan was here...another joyous boy..........then, Surprise! 21 months later, Daniel............ANOTHER BOY!!!

So there I was staying at home with three boys, age 3 and under, and I am overwhelmed!! Those first 5 years of Motherhood felt like literal Hell.. Of course there was much more joy than despair but it was the first time I felt completely alone, but yet, never was alone. Looking back, I'm sure there were points on that time line that could have been medically diagnosed as depression.. Luckily, I have an amazingly helpful and involved husband and a graceful God who never gives me more than I can handle.

Now, the boys are 10, 8, and 6 years old. I am often on a testosterone overload as the lone female of the household, but I can hold my own.

So this is me now, a 34 year old mother of three boys, a wife and most recently an entrepreneur. I am learning to take what I love and turn it into a successful business...that's the upside. The downside? My boys are entering adolescence, making some big mistakes and I feel powerless at times to stop it, though I know that isn't reality. I am a controlling, emotional, loving, giving, work in progress....a.k.a. Ellen.

Starting With Tuesdays

This is a blog inspired by five ladies who meet on Tuesdays for coffee. We have different upbringing, similar upbringing, completely different struggles, similar struggles, boys, girls, twins and one of each. We live in a rural county where "Redneck" is an acceptable lifestyle rather than the punch line of a joke.

When we started, I thought it would be fun "Mommy Time", not realizing how therapeutic and necessary it was to my survival as a wife and mother. We live in a world where women compete for men, jobs, social status and fit figures. There is a cliche that women cannot coexist without drama . . . wells that may be true and probably is true, even with us. But the drama that we share is real life: joy, heartache, tears, laughter, sweat pants and coffee.

There is one overwhelming component of our friendship that weaves us tighter than any possible human bond. The Spirit of Christ dwelling in us that inspires us to be and become, reverent wives, good mommies, serving hands and loyal friends. If the last sentence does not interest you or even make sense to you, don't turn us off.

Though we have this undeserving grace, do not presume what you read will always be pretty, nice or even politically correct. We may lean left or right. We laugh about things we shouldn't. We complain although blessed and cry at the sight of another's heartache. We are passionate, emotional, vulnerable, complex, strong, devoted, sincere, judgmental, accepting, bitchy(well that would be I), humble, selfish, compassionate, funny, busy, loving, caring women . . . created as a work of art by the Artist of all artists-who probably more than once has wanted to remove some of the brush strokes we have added. We're flawed, forgiven friends.

I, Ellen(who does not have a spirit quite as gentle as her counterparts, but is working on it) will be the author of this blog with my coffee cohorts guesting as contributing writers, all of us amateur, as will be evident. Sometimes I will share what I walked away with from a Tuesday chat, funny "sound" bytes, opinions about husbands, relationships and of course kids: raising, protecting, nurturing, disciplining and laughing with them.

Our only expectation in our friendship? .........Be real.

Don't be offended by what we say on Tuesday we may completely change our perspective by Wednesday, we're women.

The next five days' posts will introduce you to me(Ellen), Veronica, Monica, Abigail and Susan- the girls who meet on Tuesdays and "Spill" over coffee!!