Why Women Can't Be Friends

Women Can't be friends because:

• They all gossip
• They compete with and compare each other's appearance
• They are emotional and petty
• They are all jealous of each other
• They hold grudges (unlike guys who can throw a punch and shake hands 5 minutes later)

That's about it, isn't it? All the reasons people will give you, male or female, why women never have sustainable friendships? Be honest, you've heard 'em and maybe even have a few more you would add to that ugly list. Garbage. Complete garbage.

Though the list is ugly, there may be some truth to each of the points. I'll use myself as an example. I gossip. As a woman I am more susceptible to gossip and, more than sometimes, I participate. When I see my fellow mom making a decision I would not choose, I pass judgement, spill it to my friends...I gossip. I am a master deceiver. I try to wrap it in a pretty package such as conflict evasion and the prettiest of all-concern. I can't begin to count the number of times I've began a conversation with a friend in the words "I don't want to talk bad about her, but..." There it is, flawed point #1, proved.

I look at every one of my friends and admire their beauty. Their well styled hair, expert-like make-up applications and their slim figures entice me. I want to be like them. I secretly resent them. When we have "girl's night" I dress to appear as desirable as they are. Flawed point #2, proved.

I am an emotional being. I take criticism personally. I allow some of the most mundane details to annoy me, I'm petty. To sum it up, I'm self righteous and unforgiving. Doesn't seem like such a small thing when I call it what it actually is. I am unable to take criticism constructively because I fail to see that I could possibly be doing something wrong. When someone else points out a fault of another, I am quick to agree and complain. Not so quick to forgive and overlook. Point #3, proven.

I have a dear friend, Camille. She has been dealt some lucky hands in her life. Financial security, a pretty face and dynamic personality to match, just to name a few. Not to mention she completely embraces her God-given gift of also being a sexual being...not just a mom but a sexy, desired wife. She is genuinely the most giving person, aside from Christ, I have ever known. (And she doesn't even have a personal relationship with Christ). She and her husband are very close to Mitch and me. We are silly together, we share great conversation and many memories to come, I love them. I found myself recently asking Mitch if he was attracted to her. Imagine the most horrified, deer-in-the-headlights expression one could make and multiply it by 100....that was Mitch's reaction. Poor guy. These qualities that I admire and desire in her were coupled with jealousy. Jealousy that resulted in doubting that my husband could ever still perceive me as "a catch" after witnessing such an exemplary specimen as Camille. Jealousy that I tried to deny, couldn't deal with and turned into vain imaginations. Point #4, proven.

Point #5......my most fatal flaw. I am a strong-minded girl. However, I am always willing to give a new acquaintance the benefit of a clean slate. Until!..they muddy it, clean it off, muddy it again, spit on it then proceed to break the slate. Then I am done with them. Years can pass and the mention of their name will still stir fire inside of me. I feel all the hurt, the pain and brokenness relived. Then you can add a few more years onto that grudge. I have allowed myself to buy in to the old "People never really change, you just didn't know them to begin with" notion...Proven

So, I've proven it right? Women can't be friends and I am the prime example. Wrong. Though there may be a hint of truth to all of my bulleted points, I completely disagree. I have never had a friend in which at least one of these struggles hasn't arose but you know what? I have still loved them. There are some who say "sometimes love just isn't enough". Sometimes I think that too. But when it comes to my friendships I want to CHOOSE to love. You annoy me, I love you. You disagree with me, I love you. You confide in another friend, I love you. I can't look at you, I love you. __________________, I love you. Add anything to the blank you want but if this were the pattern we chose to follow in our friendships how can love not be enough?

I fully intend to ask God one day why relationships had to be so hard for women. Was it the lack of esteem building by our parents? Our ability to not call sin, sin? Do we continue to manipulate and be deceived, like Eve? WHAT IS IT?!!!

I love diversity and healthy debate. This is what our coffee group has brought into my life. Have these ugly thoughts entered into this fully female mind? You betcha! Monica is gentle and sweet. Veronica is a wise survivor and comedian. Susan is structure and guardian of innocence. Abigail is consistent parenting and quality time. How did these women ever become my friends? Remember, I'm the bitchy one! At first glance you may see more difference than likeness but I am learning so much from them. I have changed things in my life because of them. I have stepped up where I have been lacking because of them. I feel accepted because of them.

I truly feel this is a God ordained friendship. Do I notice idiosyncrasies? Of course I do. That is exactly what Satan wants me to see. The last thing he wants is a group of sin-forgiven friends furthering the cause of Christ. But I will fight him for it because I don't fight alone. I will guard it. Our perfect Friend is teaching me to cherish it.

Honey, I Warned You This Post Would Come!

Marriage is work. That may seem like a common sense statement but its true. Even in stable marriages, it’s not always easy to love your spouse. I am so frustrated with Mitch lately; I can’t find those kind words to spill onto him. When we discuss the kids, my frustrations, politics, family priorities, personal goals, I feel like I’m an alien to my husband. Mitch is a good man. He’s affectionate (ugh!), he provides, he’s thoughtful, funny and a very involved daddy.
Among all these amazing qualities, one might ask themselves what I have to complain about. Well lately, evidently, a lot. Tonight for example, he had plans to take Trevor and Nolan to their first Cub Scout meeting. When I spoke to him while he was working, I reminded him of the meeting and he began whining about not being able to go to the gym. True, we have been trying to be disciplined in our recent exercise endeavor. However, I understand that when you have a family, time does not allow for a six-day-a-week gym ritual. His one simple complaint was enough to send me into my sarcastic guilt-laden attack “Oh I’m sooo sorry that your boys have been looking so forward to something that is going to interfere with your desire to work out…you are gone from this house more than any of us and when it’s not all about you, you whine like a child..You are so selfish!” Nice, huh?
In recent months I have just felt like we live in the world of “Mitch” and the rest of us are just planets that must revolve around him because we’re predestinated to do so. Without choice, or right to question, we revolve. We have a busy life. Work, school, church, extra-curricular activities……all while trying to always create and maintain “home as a haven” approaches to our family life. Though recently, I feel like I’m alone in that expedition. Mitch makes the choice to add his “fun and recreation” appointments the immediate days following a stretch of increased busyness. You know what I mean! Monday through Friday are filled with work, school, practices, and school concerts. But then, you look at your calendar and see a Saturday. That coveted, sweet surprise of a day without plans.
I recently gushed about such a Saturday, only to have Mitch respond “Well, I was going to go__________.” Fill in the blank. It happens enough around here that to fill it in with just one instance would not add the emphasis I’m going for. Why are we supposed to understand that a man needs that time of release? Like we, women don’t? I love girl time and I have been enjoying more of it in the past year than I ever have in the twelve we’ve been married. But! There is part of me that has been making an almost unconscious point to add more of said girl time, out of spite. In a childish “I’ll show him” way, I’m using my rare breaks as revenge. Honestly, I love my time with friends to just unwind, vent, and laugh but I’ve notice this piece of me, as I pencil it onto my calendar , that thinks to myself “Let’s see how he likes it!”. I’m horrible, I know.
I know I’m not alone in this though and that infuriates me even more. We were away with other families this weekend to an indoor water park. It was so nice to just enjoy my family. No need to discipline or argue about how it should be done. Between dunking and being over taken by waves, I was just sitting and enjoying my friend Kathy. Hearing her express similar feelings about her husband made me feel so normal, not evil. Which is all wrong!!? Being mean to my husband shouldn’t make me feel normal, it should sadden me, make me desire for something better…but for right now normal will have to do. I can’t seem to find pity for him as he shields himself from my spewing anger. That “choosing to love him and be different thing” isn’t working so well today.