I am Ellen

I am Ellen. I was born and raised in the same small town in which I now reside. My childhood was stereotypical, middle class American family from the outside looking in: Mom, Dad, Brother and a Sister, besides me. I have great memories of family vacations, well-cooked meals, material needs exceeded. I wasn't spoiled but I never wanted.

As a kid, I was naturally inclined in the arts: drawing, dancing, design. I was a pleaser. Everything I ever did, in retrospect, I did out of fear(of my dad's psychotic scream, not physical harm)or expectation. Instead of being nurtured in my natural inclinations, I headed in directions my parents steered.

My mom dragged us to church every Sunday, alone. Just her, with 3 kids in tow. Which I'm sure laid a foundation, but was never mirrored at home. Communication was not a priority. The changes that a young girl experiences throughout adolescence and into puberty, I learned in school.

I entered my Freshman year of high school as a queen bee. However, I was a nice bee....then I met a boy. A Senior. Long story short- manipulated my parents into allowing me to date, lost my virginity at 15 and had never had an educated conversation about sex in my whole life. Centered my world around said relationship, lost friends, became the target of hurtful gossip and was unable to share this struggle with my parents.

At home, I maintained my "clean" cheerleader, pageant winning appearance. Internally, hardening my perspectives and putting up guards. Skip a couple years, enter good-looking, popular boy. He "loved" me. Had my second sexual encounter and again completely revolved around the axis who was this boy. Dated this parent pleasing boy for a total of 3 years. Midway through, my parents discovered we were sexually active and ended the relationship. Again, I was able to manipulate and convince them to allow the relationship to continue. Did I mention my mom was expecting her 1st child as a junior in high school? One would think that might prepare her for a situation such as this. Geesh.

Moving on. Graduated, moved to the city for schooling, dumped the boy, met a new boy-a complete loser... that I adored. Met one of my best friends ever. Partied dangerously.....finished school and came back....here. Sexual promiscuity, more partying and working... in that order then repeat.....over and over. Lots of hurt and disappointment.

At this point I'm 22 years old. I meet a Soldier, home on leave, who shared my lifestyle. Yummy! But surprise! He's a gentlemen. He returned to his base and we wrote and talked on the phone everyday. Then, I went to visit him. He took me to the only five star restaurant I’ve ever been to -in the mountains of Colorado no less, in his dress uniform and a limo. He asked me to marry him and I said YES!! And that is the skinny of how I met, fell in love with and married my husband, Mitch.

After a year of marriage our planned pregnancy occurred..Trevor. Never pictured myself having a boy, but here he was and he was perfect. During my pregnancy, I had an overwhelming desire to do things differently and raise him in church, knowing God. In reality, it was a desire God gave me so that I could find Him. This was the beginning of the most important relationship I've ever known, with a Perfect Father. 21 months later, Nolan was here...another joyous boy..........then, Surprise! 21 months later, Daniel............ANOTHER BOY!!!

So there I was staying at home with three boys, age 3 and under, and I am overwhelmed!! Those first 5 years of Motherhood felt like literal Hell.. Of course there was much more joy than despair but it was the first time I felt completely alone, but yet, never was alone. Looking back, I'm sure there were points on that time line that could have been medically diagnosed as depression.. Luckily, I have an amazingly helpful and involved husband and a graceful God who never gives me more than I can handle.

Now, the boys are 10, 8, and 6 years old. I am often on a testosterone overload as the lone female of the household, but I can hold my own.

So this is me now, a 34 year old mother of three boys, a wife and most recently an entrepreneur. I am learning to take what I love and turn it into a successful business...that's the upside. The downside? My boys are entering adolescence, making some big mistakes and I feel powerless at times to stop it, though I know that isn't reality. I am a controlling, emotional, loving, giving, work in progress....a.k.a. Ellen.