Honey, I Warned You This Post Would Come!

Marriage is work. That may seem like a common sense statement but its true. Even in stable marriages, it’s not always easy to love your spouse. I am so frustrated with Mitch lately; I can’t find those kind words to spill onto him. When we discuss the kids, my frustrations, politics, family priorities, personal goals, I feel like I’m an alien to my husband. Mitch is a good man. He’s affectionate (ugh!), he provides, he’s thoughtful, funny and a very involved daddy.
Among all these amazing qualities, one might ask themselves what I have to complain about. Well lately, evidently, a lot. Tonight for example, he had plans to take Trevor and Nolan to their first Cub Scout meeting. When I spoke to him while he was working, I reminded him of the meeting and he began whining about not being able to go to the gym. True, we have been trying to be disciplined in our recent exercise endeavor. However, I understand that when you have a family, time does not allow for a six-day-a-week gym ritual. His one simple complaint was enough to send me into my sarcastic guilt-laden attack “Oh I’m sooo sorry that your boys have been looking so forward to something that is going to interfere with your desire to work out…you are gone from this house more than any of us and when it’s not all about you, you whine like a child..You are so selfish!” Nice, huh?
In recent months I have just felt like we live in the world of “Mitch” and the rest of us are just planets that must revolve around him because we’re predestinated to do so. Without choice, or right to question, we revolve. We have a busy life. Work, school, church, extra-curricular activities……all while trying to always create and maintain “home as a haven” approaches to our family life. Though recently, I feel like I’m alone in that expedition. Mitch makes the choice to add his “fun and recreation” appointments the immediate days following a stretch of increased busyness. You know what I mean! Monday through Friday are filled with work, school, practices, and school concerts. But then, you look at your calendar and see a Saturday. That coveted, sweet surprise of a day without plans.
I recently gushed about such a Saturday, only to have Mitch respond “Well, I was going to go__________.” Fill in the blank. It happens enough around here that to fill it in with just one instance would not add the emphasis I’m going for. Why are we supposed to understand that a man needs that time of release? Like we, women don’t? I love girl time and I have been enjoying more of it in the past year than I ever have in the twelve we’ve been married. But! There is part of me that has been making an almost unconscious point to add more of said girl time, out of spite. In a childish “I’ll show him” way, I’m using my rare breaks as revenge. Honestly, I love my time with friends to just unwind, vent, and laugh but I’ve notice this piece of me, as I pencil it onto my calendar , that thinks to myself “Let’s see how he likes it!”. I’m horrible, I know.
I know I’m not alone in this though and that infuriates me even more. We were away with other families this weekend to an indoor water park. It was so nice to just enjoy my family. No need to discipline or argue about how it should be done. Between dunking and being over taken by waves, I was just sitting and enjoying my friend Kathy. Hearing her express similar feelings about her husband made me feel so normal, not evil. Which is all wrong!!? Being mean to my husband shouldn’t make me feel normal, it should sadden me, make me desire for something better…but for right now normal will have to do. I can’t seem to find pity for him as he shields himself from my spewing anger. That “choosing to love him and be different thing” isn’t working so well today.

Ohh, A Juicy Secret

Ellen writing.
When my husband was in high school he had a less than respectable girlfriend. She has inserted herself into our marriage from time to time over the past 11 years...without provocation. I've always actually sympathized with her. It is not in my nature to be jealous when it comes to my relationship with my husband. She is unable to even stir that emotion due to her level of ridiculousness. Melissa(the ex)exhibits genuine mental illness tendencies.

Mitch and Melissa dated for a considerable amount of time. At the age of sixteen, Melissa was with child. This is not an issue of denial, paternity was legitimately questioned. During the pregnancy, the relationship ended but not Mitch's commitment to care for this baby boy if it were determined he was indeed the father. Sadly, the child suffered from SIDS(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), the paternity was never determined. Mitch had met baby Marley several times. However, he refused to make an emotional connection to Marley until he was sure this was his son. As I said, it was reasonably doubted. He attended the funeral services and mourned for this child and the possibility of "what if?" This was 19 years ago, before speedy DNA science and gestational paternity testing...no autopsy.

I pitied her. How devastating it must be to lose a child, a pain I can't even fathom. Even when she called my home, asking to speak to Mitch, I was courteous, merciful, even gracious. Maybe because I was thinking "What the...?", or because I knew he'd have no desire to talk to her. Regardless, I never felt threatened.

Occasionally, we'd see "Florida Call" on the ID and didn't answer. The possibility that it could be her, angered Mitch. She has contacted members of Mitch's family "innocently" asking about him, referencing "his" child...stirring the pot. Still, I say nothing.

Today on facebook(which is the devil by the way), to my surprise, she appeared as a suggested friend. I had a little laugh. Then like any wife, had to look at her profile...after all she is the ex. She had just posted pictures of a baby girl she bore. I was actually happy for her. Hoping in some way, that this baby would not replace Marley, but allow her to be the mom I assume she was aching to be.

Then I saw her photo caption.

"Mitch-Wish you could have stepped up back then. Then maybe our baby would still be alive...SCUMBAG!"

Enter the Bitch. I sent her the nastiest compilation of words I have ever composed. As I mentioned in my bio, Mitch is a dad to be modeled. He has struggled, more so after the birth of our sons, with the "what ifs". "What if he was mine?..What if we could have gotten results sooner and I had sole custody?" Not knowing has been painful for him.

Among all my ranting and strong advice for her to stop contacting Mitch's family, I still found myself explaining to this pitiful woman, God is Grace. He gives us what we DON'T DESERVE, NOT WHAT WE DO. He doesn't take the lives of our children as punishment for our shortcomings, not even someone like her.

The Mama Bear was exposed tonight. Do not attack her family or her den. Her fury will be unleashed. She is not as graceful as her God.