Honey, I Warned You This Post Would Come!

Marriage is work. That may seem like a common sense statement but its true. Even in stable marriages, it’s not always easy to love your spouse. I am so frustrated with Mitch lately; I can’t find those kind words to spill onto him. When we discuss the kids, my frustrations, politics, family priorities, personal goals, I feel like I’m an alien to my husband. Mitch is a good man. He’s affectionate (ugh!), he provides, he’s thoughtful, funny and a very involved daddy.
Among all these amazing qualities, one might ask themselves what I have to complain about. Well lately, evidently, a lot. Tonight for example, he had plans to take Trevor and Nolan to their first Cub Scout meeting. When I spoke to him while he was working, I reminded him of the meeting and he began whining about not being able to go to the gym. True, we have been trying to be disciplined in our recent exercise endeavor. However, I understand that when you have a family, time does not allow for a six-day-a-week gym ritual. His one simple complaint was enough to send me into my sarcastic guilt-laden attack “Oh I’m sooo sorry that your boys have been looking so forward to something that is going to interfere with your desire to work out…you are gone from this house more than any of us and when it’s not all about you, you whine like a child..You are so selfish!” Nice, huh?
In recent months I have just felt like we live in the world of “Mitch” and the rest of us are just planets that must revolve around him because we’re predestinated to do so. Without choice, or right to question, we revolve. We have a busy life. Work, school, church, extra-curricular activities……all while trying to always create and maintain “home as a haven” approaches to our family life. Though recently, I feel like I’m alone in that expedition. Mitch makes the choice to add his “fun and recreation” appointments the immediate days following a stretch of increased busyness. You know what I mean! Monday through Friday are filled with work, school, practices, and school concerts. But then, you look at your calendar and see a Saturday. That coveted, sweet surprise of a day without plans.
I recently gushed about such a Saturday, only to have Mitch respond “Well, I was going to go__________.” Fill in the blank. It happens enough around here that to fill it in with just one instance would not add the emphasis I’m going for. Why are we supposed to understand that a man needs that time of release? Like we, women don’t? I love girl time and I have been enjoying more of it in the past year than I ever have in the twelve we’ve been married. But! There is part of me that has been making an almost unconscious point to add more of said girl time, out of spite. In a childish “I’ll show him” way, I’m using my rare breaks as revenge. Honestly, I love my time with friends to just unwind, vent, and laugh but I’ve notice this piece of me, as I pencil it onto my calendar , that thinks to myself “Let’s see how he likes it!”. I’m horrible, I know.
I know I’m not alone in this though and that infuriates me even more. We were away with other families this weekend to an indoor water park. It was so nice to just enjoy my family. No need to discipline or argue about how it should be done. Between dunking and being over taken by waves, I was just sitting and enjoying my friend Kathy. Hearing her express similar feelings about her husband made me feel so normal, not evil. Which is all wrong!!? Being mean to my husband shouldn’t make me feel normal, it should sadden me, make me desire for something better…but for right now normal will have to do. I can’t seem to find pity for him as he shields himself from my spewing anger. That “choosing to love him and be different thing” isn’t working so well today.

A Marriage Ends, Fear Sets In

Imagine something for me. Picture the most stable, loving, communicating couple you know. You know the one. They've been married for a million years and even though you may be in your early(I will not say mid-thirties until I'm 35)thirties, like me, but they are the couple you aspire to be "when I grow up". I'm not talking about the "happy" marriages that mearly camoflauge all the garbage that happens inside the privacy of homes. A real, bonified healthy, honesty-filled, love story between a man and his wife...that's the one! That couple.

Now imagine one day, out of NO WHERE, the female counterpart announces "Darren, wants a divorce." What?!! Did she just say "Divorce?" You may be shocked, as I was. Saddened, like I was. Terrified like I am.

This happened to me....Friday to be exact. This news came by way of a friend who is about twenty years my elder. I have known her for about twelve years. She is a rock, yet never abrasive. She is always on an even keel. She's not the life of the party but she's witty at just the perfect moment. She's mild yet strong.

I see my friend about once a month and every time I love her accounts of her and her husband's latest adventures, talks, sharing of life. They have two grown boys and their empty-nest-dating-cycle had begun. They weren't one of those couples who enthrall themselves with all things children and then realize they have completely lost their bond to each other. This couple was different. They modeled a respectful, courteous, supportive love of each other, a priceless portrait for children. They were the best parents they could possibly be, but were now at a position in their lives where parental advice is solicited, not freely distributed. They were completely comfortable with that status. They were enjoying all the things a couple should when responsibility is lessened.

There's the back story.

I cried as she mourned for her marriage..thought to my self, then said out loud "If you guys don't make it, who does?" Tears streaming simultaneously, she whimpers "I don't know." Enter the fear.

Mitch and I have had a recent rough patch. Nothing damning, just rough. We are being very intentional, things are truly improving. But I wonder, in twenty years will he resent me for things that are happening now? Will I resent him? Could he hate me? Am I being deceived by the belief that a marriage built on the foundation of Christ will stand? If I look out through the wounded heart of my friend the answer could be an unequivocal, yes. That.Is.Scary...Terrifying.