Relationship 101

They are all around me. Disintegrating friendships. I spent the day with my kindergarten son on a field trip. I was so at ease in their innocent world. Giggles, wonder, and naive interrogation filled the day. The biggest concern of their day..the dipping sauce they would choose for their chicken nuggets. Little Red Riding Hood at an historic theater then a tour of a chocolate factory were the focus of the day but not the highlight of mine. I observed their interactions, jealous of the simplicity of their relations. The random chatter was reciprocated and received without judgment. I didn't really understand my fascination..until I came home and my friend Trina called.
Trina is a close friend of mine outside of my coffee girls. We disagree on many political issues but share the same morals, Type A personalities, and our God. In some ways we are so alike it's creepy. We have the same disagreements with out husbands, same passions for protective parenting and soft hearts that not everyone sees because of our strong personalities. We share many mutual friends in our small community. There have been some serious issues with Trina's family and another friends' family because they have children of the same age. Trina has kept many of the issues to herself, knowing they would not be received well by our friends. But today something happened that had Trina concerned for our friends, Matthew and Kathy's oldest son. Safety concerns that could have easily led to devastating, physical harm or fatality.
Matthew immediately denied that his son could ever have been involved in such foolishness(Seriously? He's a fourteen year old boy..hello!). Matthew verbally attacked and belittled Trina leaving her in a defeated pile. Matthew is the only person I have ever met that truly believes he is NEVER wrong. Yes, there is arrogance in many of us when we are passionate about an issue but most people at some point when alone with their thoughts will consider the view of others. Not Matthew. He will talk louder and with more conviction than the strongest of souls and competes in every aspect of life. He sounds very intimidating, which he is, but when you witness it, it is evidently childish.
I talked to Trina for almost an hour trying to encourage her that she did what she did out of pure, loving concern and shouldn't second guess herself.
I found myself so frustrated by the way that adults communicate with each other. Through different stages of my life I have had a few strong friendships, some lasting, some that crashed and burned.
So, why? Breakdowns or adherence to some very simple principles required for a friendship worth fitting in to my life.

• Kindness is essential
• Character and Integrity a must
• Honesty, crucial
• Forgiveness, necessary.

Some may wonder why not respect? Well, if we are focused on being kind to one another, respect happens on its own. Veronica pointed out to me, if you practice kindness even when it's tough, it will become second nature, genuine. If a friend has strong character and integrity, they are worthy of my trust and I don't have to fear gossip when we disagree. Honesty is the one that is the hardest, even for me. Not in the obvious ways, I want the real stuff. Not only in tongue, but the words your afraid to say. I don't want my feelings being protected if there is something in my life that needs rebuking. I may hurt, but again if you exhibit admirable character and integrity, I can respect your opinion. Forgive me. All the time. Accept me for the flawed being that I am and love me anyway.

Childishness has it's place, I visited it twice today. Once, where it belongs and once where it doesn't. I'm wanting the relationships but there has to be new playground rules.

Why Women Can't Be Friends

Women Can't be friends because:

• They all gossip
• They compete with and compare each other's appearance
• They are emotional and petty
• They are all jealous of each other
• They hold grudges (unlike guys who can throw a punch and shake hands 5 minutes later)

That's about it, isn't it? All the reasons people will give you, male or female, why women never have sustainable friendships? Be honest, you've heard 'em and maybe even have a few more you would add to that ugly list. Garbage. Complete garbage.

Though the list is ugly, there may be some truth to each of the points. I'll use myself as an example. I gossip. As a woman I am more susceptible to gossip and, more than sometimes, I participate. When I see my fellow mom making a decision I would not choose, I pass judgement, spill it to my friends...I gossip. I am a master deceiver. I try to wrap it in a pretty package such as conflict evasion and the prettiest of all-concern. I can't begin to count the number of times I've began a conversation with a friend in the words "I don't want to talk bad about her, but..." There it is, flawed point #1, proved.

I look at every one of my friends and admire their beauty. Their well styled hair, expert-like make-up applications and their slim figures entice me. I want to be like them. I secretly resent them. When we have "girl's night" I dress to appear as desirable as they are. Flawed point #2, proved.

I am an emotional being. I take criticism personally. I allow some of the most mundane details to annoy me, I'm petty. To sum it up, I'm self righteous and unforgiving. Doesn't seem like such a small thing when I call it what it actually is. I am unable to take criticism constructively because I fail to see that I could possibly be doing something wrong. When someone else points out a fault of another, I am quick to agree and complain. Not so quick to forgive and overlook. Point #3, proven.

I have a dear friend, Camille. She has been dealt some lucky hands in her life. Financial security, a pretty face and dynamic personality to match, just to name a few. Not to mention she completely embraces her God-given gift of also being a sexual being...not just a mom but a sexy, desired wife. She is genuinely the most giving person, aside from Christ, I have ever known. (And she doesn't even have a personal relationship with Christ). She and her husband are very close to Mitch and me. We are silly together, we share great conversation and many memories to come, I love them. I found myself recently asking Mitch if he was attracted to her. Imagine the most horrified, deer-in-the-headlights expression one could make and multiply it by 100....that was Mitch's reaction. Poor guy. These qualities that I admire and desire in her were coupled with jealousy. Jealousy that resulted in doubting that my husband could ever still perceive me as "a catch" after witnessing such an exemplary specimen as Camille. Jealousy that I tried to deny, couldn't deal with and turned into vain imaginations. Point #4, proven.

Point #5......my most fatal flaw. I am a strong-minded girl. However, I am always willing to give a new acquaintance the benefit of a clean slate. Until!..they muddy it, clean it off, muddy it again, spit on it then proceed to break the slate. Then I am done with them. Years can pass and the mention of their name will still stir fire inside of me. I feel all the hurt, the pain and brokenness relived. Then you can add a few more years onto that grudge. I have allowed myself to buy in to the old "People never really change, you just didn't know them to begin with" notion...Proven

So, I've proven it right? Women can't be friends and I am the prime example. Wrong. Though there may be a hint of truth to all of my bulleted points, I completely disagree. I have never had a friend in which at least one of these struggles hasn't arose but you know what? I have still loved them. There are some who say "sometimes love just isn't enough". Sometimes I think that too. But when it comes to my friendships I want to CHOOSE to love. You annoy me, I love you. You disagree with me, I love you. You confide in another friend, I love you. I can't look at you, I love you. __________________, I love you. Add anything to the blank you want but if this were the pattern we chose to follow in our friendships how can love not be enough?

I fully intend to ask God one day why relationships had to be so hard for women. Was it the lack of esteem building by our parents? Our ability to not call sin, sin? Do we continue to manipulate and be deceived, like Eve? WHAT IS IT?!!!

I love diversity and healthy debate. This is what our coffee group has brought into my life. Have these ugly thoughts entered into this fully female mind? You betcha! Monica is gentle and sweet. Veronica is a wise survivor and comedian. Susan is structure and guardian of innocence. Abigail is consistent parenting and quality time. How did these women ever become my friends? Remember, I'm the bitchy one! At first glance you may see more difference than likeness but I am learning so much from them. I have changed things in my life because of them. I have stepped up where I have been lacking because of them. I feel accepted because of them.

I truly feel this is a God ordained friendship. Do I notice idiosyncrasies? Of course I do. That is exactly what Satan wants me to see. The last thing he wants is a group of sin-forgiven friends furthering the cause of Christ. But I will fight him for it because I don't fight alone. I will guard it. Our perfect Friend is teaching me to cherish it.

Honey, I Warned You This Post Would Come!

Marriage is work. That may seem like a common sense statement but its true. Even in stable marriages, it’s not always easy to love your spouse. I am so frustrated with Mitch lately; I can’t find those kind words to spill onto him. When we discuss the kids, my frustrations, politics, family priorities, personal goals, I feel like I’m an alien to my husband. Mitch is a good man. He’s affectionate (ugh!), he provides, he’s thoughtful, funny and a very involved daddy.
Among all these amazing qualities, one might ask themselves what I have to complain about. Well lately, evidently, a lot. Tonight for example, he had plans to take Trevor and Nolan to their first Cub Scout meeting. When I spoke to him while he was working, I reminded him of the meeting and he began whining about not being able to go to the gym. True, we have been trying to be disciplined in our recent exercise endeavor. However, I understand that when you have a family, time does not allow for a six-day-a-week gym ritual. His one simple complaint was enough to send me into my sarcastic guilt-laden attack “Oh I’m sooo sorry that your boys have been looking so forward to something that is going to interfere with your desire to work out…you are gone from this house more than any of us and when it’s not all about you, you whine like a child..You are so selfish!” Nice, huh?
In recent months I have just felt like we live in the world of “Mitch” and the rest of us are just planets that must revolve around him because we’re predestinated to do so. Without choice, or right to question, we revolve. We have a busy life. Work, school, church, extra-curricular activities……all while trying to always create and maintain “home as a haven” approaches to our family life. Though recently, I feel like I’m alone in that expedition. Mitch makes the choice to add his “fun and recreation” appointments the immediate days following a stretch of increased busyness. You know what I mean! Monday through Friday are filled with work, school, practices, and school concerts. But then, you look at your calendar and see a Saturday. That coveted, sweet surprise of a day without plans.
I recently gushed about such a Saturday, only to have Mitch respond “Well, I was going to go__________.” Fill in the blank. It happens enough around here that to fill it in with just one instance would not add the emphasis I’m going for. Why are we supposed to understand that a man needs that time of release? Like we, women don’t? I love girl time and I have been enjoying more of it in the past year than I ever have in the twelve we’ve been married. But! There is part of me that has been making an almost unconscious point to add more of said girl time, out of spite. In a childish “I’ll show him” way, I’m using my rare breaks as revenge. Honestly, I love my time with friends to just unwind, vent, and laugh but I’ve notice this piece of me, as I pencil it onto my calendar , that thinks to myself “Let’s see how he likes it!”. I’m horrible, I know.
I know I’m not alone in this though and that infuriates me even more. We were away with other families this weekend to an indoor water park. It was so nice to just enjoy my family. No need to discipline or argue about how it should be done. Between dunking and being over taken by waves, I was just sitting and enjoying my friend Kathy. Hearing her express similar feelings about her husband made me feel so normal, not evil. Which is all wrong!!? Being mean to my husband shouldn’t make me feel normal, it should sadden me, make me desire for something better…but for right now normal will have to do. I can’t seem to find pity for him as he shields himself from my spewing anger. That “choosing to love him and be different thing” isn’t working so well today.

Caution: This Post is Unedited, Straight off the Cuff

Honey, I'm sorry. This blog will inevitably contain posts that may not portray you for the wonderful man that you are....so this is for you.
Men are infuriating, insensitive, unable to think like women and enjoy a simplicity that my brain cannot fathom. However, they are our rocks, our providers, our encouragers, our biggest fans, lovers, confidants and best friends.
In the time of my life when I am most frustrated with my partner, I have been bombarded with scary realities of other wives within my realm who are not graced with the leisure of forever criticizing their husbands.
I have seen a young family lose a father/husband. I have seen a friend lose the natural process of conceiving a child while her husband suffers the recovering effects of Leukemia. I have seen a 30 year marriage blown apart by an emotional affair, leaving devastation to a lonely wife. I've seen enough. Then today, a fellow coffee cohort relayed some potentially scary news about her hubby.
Lives and marriages are being tried, turned inside out and completely rearranged all around me and I refuse to sit back and continue to be un-thankful for the man that I have....
The man who loves me even though I'm irrational. The man who wants me even though I'm overweight. The man who works twelve hour days so that I can nurture and be available for our three boys. The man I criticize, yet finds an abundance of mercy to dispense to me. I love my husband.
To be honest, I've been a down right bitch...contentious, unreasonable and ungrateful. In the midst of our own petty discord, I CHOOSE to love and obey my God. I CHOOSE to love and reverence my husband. I CHOOSE to rearrange my thoughts as a response to all the rearranging I've witnessed. I CHOOSE to change rather than try to change him.

A Little Boy Sang

We have been under a foot-deep blanket of snow for almost two weeks now. My patience and creative parenting skills are weakening with each additional snow day but I decided to focus on something positive rather than my ever-extending list of snow covered woes.


A dreamer, a grouch much like his mother
A voice, a talent unlike any other.
Unique to him, gifts given by God
But a solo? Really? This seemed odd.
He stood by the keys, in a room full of friend
Encouraged by his teacher to see it to the end
His voice sang out and amazement struck all
From his head to his cheeks the color of red falls.
A secret audition unknown to me
But the pride of his teacher let the news be free.
His God is smiling and I'm sure the bells rang
All because a little boy sang.

My son Trevor is like me in so many ways. He fears failure, heights and rejection. He's fun-loving, yet guards himself from others.
When I recieved the message from his music teacher that he had done an "amazing" solo audition for the upcoming spring concert, I was completely caught off guard. Not that he could sing, I knew that. I hear him singing in his room but I've stopped telling him how naturally inclined he is because he becomes embarassed and the music dies. However, after some thought I wasn't so surprised he hadn't told me about the big audition. I am practically frozen by the fear of failure. If I have a fantastic idea or a big dream, I keep it tucked closely inside until success is likely or guaranteed. Why I don't want those who love me there during the adventure, I'm not sure. I do know for sure that I don't want my son to mimic this fear. He is so open about his feelings, asking questions about the hard stuff but he hides his attempts from me...I want to be there for it all. The high prides, the fallen tears.
I spilled over him for his bravery, explaining I wish for a little bit of that as an adult. He took a step. A big one. He made others smile...I'd say that's success.

Ohh, A Juicy Secret

Ellen writing.
When my husband was in high school he had a less than respectable girlfriend. She has inserted herself into our marriage from time to time over the past 11 years...without provocation. I've always actually sympathized with her. It is not in my nature to be jealous when it comes to my relationship with my husband. She is unable to even stir that emotion due to her level of ridiculousness. Melissa(the ex)exhibits genuine mental illness tendencies.

Mitch and Melissa dated for a considerable amount of time. At the age of sixteen, Melissa was with child. This is not an issue of denial, paternity was legitimately questioned. During the pregnancy, the relationship ended but not Mitch's commitment to care for this baby boy if it were determined he was indeed the father. Sadly, the child suffered from SIDS(Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), the paternity was never determined. Mitch had met baby Marley several times. However, he refused to make an emotional connection to Marley until he was sure this was his son. As I said, it was reasonably doubted. He attended the funeral services and mourned for this child and the possibility of "what if?" This was 19 years ago, before speedy DNA science and gestational paternity testing...no autopsy.

I pitied her. How devastating it must be to lose a child, a pain I can't even fathom. Even when she called my home, asking to speak to Mitch, I was courteous, merciful, even gracious. Maybe because I was thinking "What the...?", or because I knew he'd have no desire to talk to her. Regardless, I never felt threatened.

Occasionally, we'd see "Florida Call" on the ID and didn't answer. The possibility that it could be her, angered Mitch. She has contacted members of Mitch's family "innocently" asking about him, referencing "his" child...stirring the pot. Still, I say nothing.

Today on facebook(which is the devil by the way), to my surprise, she appeared as a suggested friend. I had a little laugh. Then like any wife, had to look at her profile...after all she is the ex. She had just posted pictures of a baby girl she bore. I was actually happy for her. Hoping in some way, that this baby would not replace Marley, but allow her to be the mom I assume she was aching to be.

Then I saw her photo caption.

"Mitch-Wish you could have stepped up back then. Then maybe our baby would still be alive...SCUMBAG!"

Enter the Bitch. I sent her the nastiest compilation of words I have ever composed. As I mentioned in my bio, Mitch is a dad to be modeled. He has struggled, more so after the birth of our sons, with the "what ifs". "What if he was mine?..What if we could have gotten results sooner and I had sole custody?" Not knowing has been painful for him.

Among all my ranting and strong advice for her to stop contacting Mitch's family, I still found myself explaining to this pitiful woman, God is Grace. He gives us what we DON'T DESERVE, NOT WHAT WE DO. He doesn't take the lives of our children as punishment for our shortcomings, not even someone like her.

The Mama Bear was exposed tonight. Do not attack her family or her den. Her fury will be unleashed. She is not as graceful as her God.

Monica...as in coffee cohort, not Clinton Intern(She's blushing at the title of this post)

I am a 36-year-old wife & mom. I recently celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with my best friend, Jack. We are blessed with two, very different, but equally amazing children. Bobby is almost 10 years old & is in the 4th grade. He is very bright, very sweet, and extremely tenderhearted. His love for people and his desire to do what is right is far greater than his years. Sabrina is seven years old, is in the 2nd grade, much to her disliking, is the smallest girl in her grade. Her bright, outgoing, spunky personality far outshines her height. Jack, Bobby and Sabrina are the loves of my life.
I was born and raised in a small town not far from our current home. My parents had been high school sweethearts, attended college together, and were married directly after their college graduation. Both were teachers. I have one brother who is three years younger than I. My mother became a stay-at-home mom when I was born and returned to teaching after my brother entered school. We did not have a lot of material things, but we were very spoiled in the love department.
As a child, I had no appreciation or understanding of how blessed I was. My parents had a love for one another that I now realize is extremely rare. I thought that my childhood years were mundane, boring, far overprotected. I now see those years as cherished protection, springing from deep love from my parents.
I have always had a soft heart for anyone who is hurting. I have always gone against the grain to cheer for the underdog. This pattern (good or bad) played a big part in my teen years. I was quick to befriend anyone who did not fit in or was needing a friend. I made some wonderful friends and met some of the nicest kids around. However, most of them had homes very different from mine. I quickly became awestruck with everything they knew as normal...all that my parents had strived so greatly to protect me from. But they were my friends and my goal was to please them.
We spent a lot of time lying to our parents, running around town, drinking. At the end of my freshman year, my parents & high school’s choir director informed me that I was joining a youth Christian choir which consisted of Bible studies & traveling around the state for three weeks. I was not pleased. This sounded like three weeks of Sunday school with complete strangers…. A.K.A. Hell. By the third day of said tour, my loved ones’ prayers had been answered. My heart was broke wide open & I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior & True Love. Life would never be the same.
The rest of my high school & college years were different. I knew that I loved God dearly & I loved people dearly. However, that was all I knew. I did my best to please God, but occasionally wandered.
I met Jack when I was a sophomore in high school. We became the best of friends. After years of dating others, God opened my eyes to the treasure that was right in front of me. My best friend was also the love of my life. We were married over Christmas break of my senior year in nursing school. All was wonderful….my “prince had arrived.”
Then reality struck. Marriage was much harder than dating. Our families were quite different from each other, therefore, so were we. I had several years of heartache from difficulty in my marriage, difficulty in my work, painful times with my in-laws. Life was not as easy as I had expected.
Thankfully, God was still at work with us. We changed churches and began to learn what God had to say about marriage & relationships. Jack and I had fresh starts...together, with God. He blessed us with some wonderful people who helped us along the way. While we are still learning how to show love to one another and communicate well, God has brought us so far. He has taught us so much. God has been central in our lives as parents and our marriage. I am so thankful for a patient, forgiving, & loving God!
The next trial arrived, January 2007. My father was diagnosed with leukemia. This was the man who had shown me unconditional love, who was my biggest fan in life and who was my steady rock when the rest of life was falling to pieces. We had one month of precious talks, endless tears, and desperate hopes before he was taken home to heaven. My heart was broken like never before. I will never be the same again. I then had to rely on my Heavenly Father like never before. While my heart still aches for my Dad, my heart is also closer to my “Abba” then ever before.
At this point in my life, I am striving to worship and trust my Lord without doubting, love people without expectation, have an open heart without guarding and enjoy life without concern. My prayer is that my life may be pleasing to my Heavenly Father. I want to allow my life lessons may be used by Him. I will be forever grateful for this group of incredible ladies to share the ups & downs of life with, over a pot (or 2, or 3) of coffee. My name is Monica